worst…sale…ever
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.