if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text