My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
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[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Challenge accepted.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.