Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I’ve had worse
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Flowers bee like
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
💯😂
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.