Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
wtf management?!
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Coffee for people with no kids