[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
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Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.