My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
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9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.