My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
You Might Also Like
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime