My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
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I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.