Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
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Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
TRAIN’S HERE
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes