Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Sooo many times…..
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?