please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
this is so top tier i cant
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)