REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
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If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
This meal prepping shit easy