Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
You Might Also Like
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Britain be like
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I told my vodka about you.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective