I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.