You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg