My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that