Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
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First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*