Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything