calling in to work dehydrated
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Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert