So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby