Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
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[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
You learn something every day
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?