I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog