ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
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Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine