A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.