I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
The booster protects against what, now?
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.