Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
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So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.