Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.