If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that