Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
inside you are two wolves
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Covid like
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.