My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
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Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it