I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
The human personality is made of five key elements
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!