Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.