This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey