16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes