I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.