People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
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“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Storm Tropical Storm
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”