“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing