* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Not today. 😅
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.