“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“you changed” bro i was 15
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.