Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH