HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
You Might Also Like
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-