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My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house