I am a gravy boat captain
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ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Twitter is an abusement park.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*