Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
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“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out