I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Europe. Made in Germany.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren