Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
You Might Also Like
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My background check bounced.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure