Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.