Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!