Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”